The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.