I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.