Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn; I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Hawk's Nest.' Nobody entered that nest that didn't leave a little richer and a little wiser. And that 11-year-old boy said, 'Isn't that a wonderful thing.' And that's all there is to it.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.