Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.