I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it