I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.