I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it