The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.
Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?