When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.
I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.