I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.
A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.