I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.