I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.