Health food makes me sick.

A new regulation for the publishing industry: "The advance for a book must be larger than the check for the lunch at which it was discussed.

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.

Since nostaglia is fueled by inflation, could it be that inflation is the result of a conspiracy by the people who are trying to palm off McGovern buttons and Howdy Doody puppets and their Aunt Thelma's toaster as antiques.

You know, I used to say, when people say, 'How do you think about what to write about in the poems every week?' And I say, 'Well, I have to turn it in on Monday, so on Sunday nights I turn the shower to iambic pentameter and it sort of works out that way.'

Anybody who doesn't think that the best hamburger place in teh world is in his home town is a sissy.

With humor, it’s so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.