God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away.

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.