When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.