That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

I don't want to spend my time thinking about somebody else, I want to spend my time just being me and embracing life and living it and being there. At the end of the day, I'm responsible for my words and my thoughts and that's how I live.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.