I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn't get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.