I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

When you are younger, you pretend to believe, but you are proving it to everyone and to yourself. The change comes when you know you're funny on the inside. Then you don't have to prove it to anybody else anymore. That's when you become different and that's when you evolved onto a completely different level, because you know who you are.

Do not encourage my behaviour.

I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!