Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.

Growing up, I didn't know anything about comedy and didn't know anything about comedians or what standup was. I grew up in the projects with no dream of anything, it was in my formatting when i got older and started talking to my friends about how I felt, they would be like, "dude, that's funny." Then one day my friend was like, "Dude, you don't understand how funny you are, you need to do standup"!

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.