I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

When I was young and didn't have money, I liked gambling because winning and losing was fun for the rush of it. The amount of money that I would have to put down now to get that rush, there is no f'ing way I'm going to do it. It's just stupid. I would rather get that rush some other way.

Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.