I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shooting anybody, not making anybody watch me perform. There are thousands of comedians, don't come see me because it's not like I hide it.

It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.

When I was young and didn't have money, I liked gambling because winning and losing was fun for the rush of it. The amount of money that I would have to put down now to get that rush, there is no f'ing way I'm going to do it. It's just stupid. I would rather get that rush some other way.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.