If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.