If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

When you are younger, you pretend to believe, but you are proving it to everyone and to yourself. The change comes when you know you're funny on the inside. Then you don't have to prove it to anybody else anymore. That's when you become different and that's when you evolved onto a completely different level, because you know who you are.