In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

When you are younger, you pretend to believe, but you are proving it to everyone and to yourself. The change comes when you know you're funny on the inside. Then you don't have to prove it to anybody else anymore. That's when you become different and that's when you evolved onto a completely different level, because you know who you are.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?