If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.

I'm not white, I don't apologize for what my country did to become great

Everything I do is intended to make people laugh and think. I just think something is funny, it's not hurting anybody, not stabbing anybody, not shooting anybody, not making anybody watch me perform. There are thousands of comedians, don't come see me because it's not like I hide it.

If you aren't laughing, you aren't living!

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.