People invite me to dinner not because I can cook, but because I like to clean up. I get immediate gratification from windex. Yes, I do windows.

there were times when I was more at home in front of millions of people than I was at home.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I couldn't get the laughter out of my head. It wasn't career. It wasn't even a choice. It was a calling.

What I do when I write is I just write the way I would tell it, so it comes out just exactly the way I would talk to you.

I'm really not that funny in real life. But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.