Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.