Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

I don't exercise. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.