Years are like candy bars... We're paying more, but they're getting shorter.

I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens.

Today is my grandfather's birthday." "How old is he?" "Sixty-three. It's hard to believe he was once a human being.

When no one loves you, you have to pretend that everyone loves you.

Dear IRS, I am writing to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.

One of Beethoven's favorite dishes was macaroni and cheese. The girl I marry must be able to make good macaroni and cheese..." "How did Beethoven feel about cold cereal?

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.