Sometimes I lie awake at night, and wonder if my life would be different if I had to do it over... Then a voice comes to me out of the dark that says, "boy, there's an original thought!

Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker.

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.

Today is my grandfather's birthday." "How old is he?" "Sixty-three. It's hard to believe he was once a human being.

Dear Valentine, I love you. Whoever you are.

You know what I think my best quality is? I think I'm nice to have around. I'd hate it if I weren't around!

What happened to fun?" "Our insurance doesn't cover it!