It's not an act. I love it. It's totally original. People go, 'What's going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain. I don't know. Just one day I suddenly woke up with a new brain.

I've spent, I think, close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.

Athletes become our heroes, because they're superhuman. They do things nobody else can do. They're better than 6 billion other people.

I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars...

Defeat is not an option. Period. The End.

My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.

You have this great big fantasy life, and it looks like a non-stop 24/7 party. But what do you do when you get to the end of the Internet and there's nothing left to buy? There's just a picture of Wayne Newton flipping you off.