I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.

Look what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls.

Guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies, a ton of success, I mean, come on bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying.

From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to 'Sheen's Korner' ... You're either in my corner, or you're with the trolls.

It's definitely safer to be single, especially with this cottage industry that's devoted to extorting celebrities.

You can't criticize Bob Dylan's singing. You have to respect Billy Joel as a brilliant poet. You can't tell me there's a better rock band ever than Led Zeppelin. And if you speak during the Eagles' "Last Resort," we're done. I'm just asking for seven minutes. This stuff really matters, you know.

You can't process me with a normal brain.