It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.

I'm kind of old-fashioned in a lot of ways. I prefer mano a mano. Even if you have two girls in the house, it's not like we're together all the time. But I need variety.

Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

There was this one time in Vegas when I took four Victoria's Secret models and did one gram off each of their bodies within, like, 45 minutes. I declared myself King of Vegas and decided to remodel my hotel room with my bare hands to resemble King Louis XIV's bedroom at Versailles. Knocked down two entire walls, and later had four knuckle surgeries. Still wasn't as high as Rob Ford.

There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past.

Guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies, a ton of success, I mean, come on bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying.

We're going to shoot one Polaroid per show. I'm going to sign this before it even develops because I know that once it develops with my signature on it, it's worth a fortune. I'll make this a work of magic warlock art.