... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.