A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's for everybody. People are liked and disliked, but at least be mindful of what you're doing and what your message is, and trying to stay true to your authenticity and what you're trying to attain or what your goals are, and don't let anybody get in the way of that. At the same time, have a goal, and have a message.

I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.