First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

You gotta fight for your right to vote!

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.