First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.

I want to live fast and die young.