First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

In the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!

I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.