When you hang around a lot of comedians long enough, you realize there's a certain gene, in every comedian. It's why we get hyper-analytical about things.

The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it's ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.

I feel like so much of why I sort of want to work in television is so that people know to come see me live.

Be offended by everything or be offended by nothing.

A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

With stand-up, there's a little bit of an exaggerated reality because things have to be manipulated to create comedy, to create jokes.