Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.
Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.