Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.

The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense