It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Money is the best lotion in the world.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.