Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.