When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.