Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. There’s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.