I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.