Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.

I believe you got my property?