Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.