I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!