I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.