I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.