The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.