Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.