Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.