Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.