I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.