I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

I'd like to think I'm a little more memorable or specific now. People laugh at me in a way they wouldn't laugh at another comedian, rather than being like, "Okay, who's the next joke-slinger? Give me some jokes so I may laugh and go about my day!"

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.