I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.