I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That's a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it's really not.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.