I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don't necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don't think it comes from happiness, that's for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.

My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.