I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

I really respect peple who try. People who say, No, I'm actually going to do the best I can. That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.