America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.