I really respect peple who try. People who say, No, I'm actually going to do the best I can. That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.