Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.