Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

I really respect peple who try. People who say, No, I'm actually going to do the best I can. That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!