Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.