People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.